The Fruitcake That Would Not Die
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Aunt Gertrude made a fruitcake in 1949
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With candied fruit and almonds and a little orange rind
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She wrapped it well in cheesecloth, soaked it in a vat of rum
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And then she mailed it to my cousin Jimmy, that's her son
In 1950 Jimmy gave it to his brother Ron
Ronnie kept it for 3 years and then he passed it on
To second cousin Margie, she's the one who's overweight
I would have thought that this would be the house where it was ate
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This is the fruitcake that would not die
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It shares the table with cookies and pie
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But when the meal has been eaten and the table is clear
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The pie and cookies vanish but the fruitcake is still here
Margie left the fruitcake on the back of her buffet
And put it on the table for the next year's Christmas Day
It's rumored that it was this day that someone took a slice
But the evidence indicates that it did not happen twice
Margie wrapped the injured loaf in festive filigree
The next year, and she put it underneath the Christmas tree
Where she marked with a label “To my mother, from your son”
She never liked that woman, and besides, revenge is fun
This is the fruitcake that would not die
It shares the table with cookies and pie
But when the meal has been eaten and the table is clear
The pie and cookies vanish but the fruitcake is still here
The fruitcake spent the next ten years with Margie's husband's mom
Then reappeared the very same year Richard Nixon won
His second term in office, one fruitcake begets another
And that's the year that Margie gave the fruitcake to my brother
The very next year, underneath my tree, to my surprise
The festive filigree wrapped damaged fruitcake there did lie
And so I saved it carefully and next year sent it to him
Then he to me and me to he each Christmas time since then
This is the fruitcake that would not die
It shares the table with cookies and pie
But when the meal has been eaten and the table is clear
The pie and cookies vanish but the fruitcake is still here
Aunt Gertrude's passed, she'll never bake another Christmas Cake
No one's heard from Jimmy since May 1958
Ronnie's in nursing home just outside of Bayonne
Margie and her husband and his mother all have gone
But that wretched filigree wrapped damaged fruitcake carries on
So I've another plan for it when finally I am gone
I want to have my name and age upon the cake engraved
And have it placed eternally above my mortal grave
This is the fruitcake that would not die
It shares the table with cookies and pie
But when the meal has been eaten and the table is clear
The pie and cookies vanish but the fruitcake is still here